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How Long Do You Wait?

John B. Wahlfeld is director of community support for the Central Illinois Chapter of the American Red Cross. He is in Peoria, Illinois.

He tells us about two of his major supporters— both of whom have died recently. Unfortunately, he hasn’t maintained a strong contact with either wife.

John asks a good question. How soon after a death should you contact the spouse?

Here’s my (Jerry Panas) answer. First of all, I feel it is immensely important that with your individual donors, you maintain a very close relationship with both husband and wife (or partner). She outlives him!

You can almost count on that. If it is a first wife, she will out live him by probably seven or eight years. If it is a second wife, it could be much longer than that. You could lose all future gifts if you haven’t maintained a close relationship with both.

I remember, for instance, Herb in Scottsdale, Arizona. He was an extraordinary philanthropist and a volunteer of unrelenting commitment. He would support everything that was worthwhile. His particular love was the Scottsdale Memorial Hospital.

Herb’s wife (his second) was never really courted by the Hospital. Oh sure, she was present at all events and at the head table with Herb. The Hospital is absolutely superb in its stewardship, as good as any institution could be. But in this case, most of the linkage was with Herb.

He died.  Several weeks later, the museum in Phoenix called on her for a gift and asked her to serve on their board. They didn’t wait.

I have another example. But I could go on. Let me tell you about Peggy. When her husband died (shot in his office) she went through a period of terrible grief.  Her local hospital (Highland Park Hospital outside of Chicago) thought they would give her a little time to get over the death of her husband.

But Presbyterian— St. Luke’s did not wait. A week after her husband’s death, they called on her for a memorial gift. She made a gift of $5 million.

I asked her about this. “Peggy, Highland Park is your hospital, it’s where all of your children were born, and it’s the emergency room you took them when they had any health issues. How does it happen that you made such a large gift to Presbyterian— St. Luke’s, a hospital you didn’t know anything about— and did not make the gift to Highland Park?”

She told me Highland Park didn’t ask her.

This may sound a bit ghoulish. But I am convinced that the time to talk with someone whose loved one has just passed away is very soon after the death.  You are actually doing them a favor.

Time after time when I have done this, I’ve been thanked. Those who are grieving want a way to remember, to show their love. You are helping them work through their loss.